A comfortable pond of one
La Jolla Cove During My San Diego Road Trip
Isn’t it astonishing how quickly 2022 came and went? I read somewhere that our perception of time accelerates as we age. It is hard to believe that the pandemic started 3 years ago. Time seemed to drag on and on when I was young. Those high school years felt like an eternity. Then, in a blink of an eye, I’m 27.
Many of my friends are getting married, some are raising their first kid. A few friends in Academia are “raising” their metaphorical kid in the form of a PhD thesis on advanced topics like material science or AI; pushing the boundary of human knowledge. All the while I am here in my digital cocoon, following beginner C# tutorials on Udemy, and writing sub-par high-school level book reports.
If you can’t tell already by the moody self-reflection, It is that time of year again! New Year Eve. The perfect time for some deep introspection; for an unexamined life is not worth living, right? Of course, the question of “How am I doing?” always carries with it an important baggage. That is: “How am I doing? (compared to others?)”
Comparison is a Thief of Happiness
“Stop comparing yourself to others!” If there’s ever a better example of “easier said then done”, please email me and let me know. Social comparison is exhausting, stressful, and a curse that we all contend with. But it is also a necessary and inevitable part of the human condition, programmed into us through evolution to keep track of status and other positional goods. For most of human history, the circle of comparison was necessarily local. Now it’s effectively everyone on Earth with the help of social media.
Funny story, I’ve been training for a marathon recently. It’s grueling. I hate running, and my legs are sore every day. I’m getting real close to about 8 miles after 3 months of training. Then this morning, I had the great misfortune of coming across an article of a 11 year old boy who ran marathons… in all 50 states!
What an incredible achievement. I am happy for him. But in the moment, even if it’s just for a brief second, I would be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little bit. Why is a feeling of inadequacy my first reaction to the article? What evolutionary benefit could there possibly be for me to ruminate over the achievements of a 11 year-old with whom I’ll never meet? It is quite a mystery how my psychology works, albeit amusing to think about.
There are two types of comparison: upward and downward. Social psychologists have found that upward comparisons produce jealousy, hostility, negative mood, frustration, lowered self-esteem, decreased happiness, and symptoms of stress. On the other hand, downward comparisons boost self-esteem, increase positive mood, and reduce anxiety. It all seems a bit shallow and narrow-minded. Yet it applies to everyone (ref 1, 2). Happy people are just better at distracting themselves and moving on, whereas miserable people tend to ruminate then write a blog post about it.
Am I miserable that Lebron James is better at basketball than me? I don’t think so. Why do we care in some instances, but not others? All of this lead me to an interesting concept first introduced by the Economist Robert H. Frank.
Choosing Your Pond
Folks are about as happy as they made up their minds to be - Abraham Lincoln
If there were only one pond, then virtually everyone would be losers. I’ve always found it amusing how Billionaires gerrymander their social circle and evaluate their success based on the size of their yachts, or whether or not their bathtub is made of marble or gold. “Can’t they see how privileged they are?” I think to myself like a hypocrite. Maybe that’s just human nature. We all mark off the world in a way that is expedient and comfortable to us; where we can compete without having the results be a foregone conclusion.
If an article of a precocious wonderkid is like a bullet to my self-esteem, then browsing Instagram is akin to a tactical nuke. Luckily, I’ve digitally isolated myself this year by deleting all of my social media accounts. Ignorance is bliss.
When I first started writing blog posts, I wasn’t really sure why I’m doing it, or who I am doing it for. I think I have a better idea now. Unlike a personal journal, it is a medium that’s public enough for me to try, yet not public enough for me to be discouraged. This website is my cocoon, a comfortable pond of one, where I can relax, think, practice writing, and enjoy the world. Happy new year everybody!
The New Yorker Comic Collection by Barbara Smaller (2001) from cartoonbank.com
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(F. X. Gibbons and M. Gerrard, “Effects of Upward and Downward Social Comparison on Mood States”, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 1993, 8, 14-31)
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(K.L. Tucker, and F. Kasri, “Responses to Hedonically-Conflicting Social Comparisons: Comparing Happy and Unhappy People”, European Journal of Social Psychology, 2001, 31, 1-25)
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